A COVID Experience Though the Lens of Didion

By Ryan Davis

In the vast expanse of suburbia, settled between the towering concrete jungle of Manhattan and the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, lies Long Island. Here, in the midst of the American Dream, the normal rhythms of life were abruptly disrupted by an unstoppable force. I never could have imagined how drastic life can change for everyone. What seemed to be a promising coming of a new year turned out to disprove expectations and reveal how unseemly chaotic and uncertain life can be.

“We Tell ourselves stories in order to live.” (Didion 1979, pg. 11)

“We interpret what we see, select the most workable of the multiple choices. We live entirely, especially if we are writers, by the imposition of a narrative line upon disparate images, by the “ideas” with which we have learned to freeze the shifting phantasmagoria which is our actual experience. (Didion 1979, pg. 11)

1.

There is really no telling of what can come next in life, is what the consensus was after an interesting month of March in 2020. Things were really starting to get exciting and pick up in the year as I was just asked to play with the varsity lacrosse team that year. I was a sophomore at the time, so it was a great achievement to be moved up before junior year to the varsity squad. So, as school and everything else started to close up, I was obviously upset, but I was hit with an unknown feeling of realization. As I had plenty of time to sit around and think, I came to many conclusions. I was uncertain if I would be going back to school. I was uncertain if I would miss out on my lacrosse season. I was uncertain if I could get my books back from my locker. I was uncertain if I would see my friends soon.

It took some time, but after feeling the effects of being stuck at home for some while, time began to lose the meaning it used to have. The once buzzing streets of my home town grew desolate, the light of storefronts dimming as businesses shut their doors in an attempt to survive. I felt for the small businesses who were trying to cling on to life. The familiar landmarks of my childhood brought upon a strange nostalgic feeling as I walked by with my dog on the empty streets. The movie theater, the diner, and the park had all stood silently. 

“I was supposed to have a script, and had mislaid it. I was supposed to hear cues, and no longer did. I was meant to know the plot, but all I knew was what I saw: flash pictures in variable sequence, images with no “meaning” beyond their temporary arrangement, not a movie but a cutting-room experience.” (Didion 1979, pg. 12)

2.

Within the chaos and upheaval, there were moments of unexpected beauty, which my eyes suddenly opened up too. I found peace in the simplicity of daily routines, such as a morning walk along the empty beach, the comforting warmth of sharing meals and quality time with my family. I became guilty for not appreciating the normal life that was before March of 2020, but again, how could I expect anything like this to happen?

One concept I found to be the most important to grasp from this period of a seemingly unworldly scenario was understanding that changes are inevitable. It was inevitable that I would become a different person when we were through with it. I am glad that I realized that early on and spent my time in quarantine learning new things. 

TO DO WHILE IN QUARANTINE:

1. learn guitar

2. learn to cook

3. learn how to code

4. exercise

5. read books

This is a list I had taped on my wall above my desk in my bedroom when I found out school is closed for the rest of the year. This list enabled me to focus on achieving certain goals I have been meaning work on. Notice these goals are supposed to make me a more well-rounded person, in my eyes at least. Notice how most of these goals were probably similar to a lot of other people’s goals. The idea was to make the most of my time while stuck at home. All the while I lost something that came so naturally to most: social interaction skills.

As we looked to find meaning in the disillusionment, the force field of the pandemic loomed large, casting a barrier between the current reality and a future of certainty. Perhaps the milestones that had once seemed so assured were now doubtful. I became uncertain of completing my high school education. What did it mean to come of age in a world defined by fear and uncertainty? How could I balance between the desire for group accountability and my independence? And perhaps the most unsettling of all, what kind of world awaited us on the other side of this crisis?

“I had, at this time, a sharp apprehension not of what it was like to be old but of what it was like to open the door to the stranger and find that the stranger did indeed have the knife.” (Didion 1979, pg. 47)

3.

I know that in the end, the pandemic had made sense of what the world can be and what we had taken for granted. I know that we do go back to school. I know that things do get better. I know that moving forward, new vaccines will be a controversial topic. The time spent at home had help gather my thoughts and reflect upon experience and see what it means. Quite often, I reflected on my life before the pandemic and compared it to the isolation of being away from the society I once knew. Although, the isolation has not helped me see what it means.

Footnote:

I took Joan Didion's style of journalism to write about my experience during the COVID-19 pandemic. I attempted to structure my blog similarly to "The White Album". Didion's reflective and highly descriptive writing inspired me to detail a few specific points of my experience. I took quotes from Didion and worked upon what I interpreted them to mean. Lastly, I tried to model my them of "coming of age within a shift in society" to Didion's narrative voice that offers insight into various experiences during the shifts of the 1960's and 1970's.

Sources:

    Didion, Joan. The White Album. 1979.